Hello Friends,

My apologies for taking so long to write again.  No excuses, just haven't felt motivated to say anything, until now.  Not sure how to title this post, so much has happened since I last wrote.  Not sure where I'm going with all this, but I am going to just jump right in.

Anyway, let's start with March... normally March brings a smile to my face.  Basketball, Birthday, and Basketball (wait, did I say that already?) what more can this Kentucky girl want?  But this past March, was not all fun.  In fact, it started out terribly.  My Uncle B passed fairly suddenly.  One day he was fine, the next he mentioned his chest hurting a bit, his daughter took him to the ER and they were running tests.  The next morning at the hospital he was talking to the nurse and passed away in the middle of the conversation.  It was hard.  I loved him, I love his wife (my mom's sister) and I love his children and grandchildren.   And, as if a death in the family wasn't enough, my grandma ended up in the hospital (most likely a stroke brought on by the stress of losing a son-in-law).  The drama in the family surrounding these events were the most difficult of all.   During the drama surrounding these events I learned I wasn't as valued and appreciated as I thought I was.  In fact, I felt very unappreciated, and still do.  So I stepped back, and I stayed back.  It still hurts at times, but I have to say, I feel much better for having done so, most of the time. 

Staying out of the drama is refreshing.   I have decided I'd help when asked.  Since I haven't been asked to help, I haven't helped.  Luckily my grandma has MyChart for some of her doctors, so I still get information to relay to my sister.  My sister and I LOVE details, we know from experience that if you don't ask the right questions, you may not get answers, and we've also learned some good questions to ask.  But since we stepped back (she chose to do this also), we don't take her to appointments and therefore we don't get details.  MyChart has our back! 

Since stepping back, I have admittingly been struggling with trusting family.  You know those people that "should" have your back no matter what?   But I don't know that.  I mean if I called because I was broke and about to lose my house, yeah, maybe they'd help out and get me some cash.  But if I needed their presence?  I'm not sure, but I'm guessing they'd have to check their schedule and get back to me in a month or two.  OK, I realize I'm overdramatizing.  But the point is, I don't know that I could count on them.  I don't know that I can really count on anyone.  (Of course, this doesn't count Marie, my sister would run over hot coals for me if I needed her).  But everyone else? Not so much.  

So while it's been great being out of the drama, it's also been difficult to trust those that are supposed to be your support system.  I got a text today from Aunt Jane, and my first thought was suspicion.  Why would she message me out of the blue?  But then I remembered she is in town visiting my grandma and took my grandma to the eye doctor.  I'm still not sure exactly why she texted, possibly to see if I wanted to meet to eat, possibly just to remind me she was in town so I could go see her.  I don't know, I think she's in town a week, so I'll try to make it over later this week.  But I have to remind myself to be cautious.  I have to protect my heart, which is hard.  I want to trust everyone.  I want to bend over backwards for them, and do everything I can for them, but once she leaves town, I probably won't hear from her until she comes back.  

You may be wondering if I reach out to them... I used to, but I tired of jumping through hoops trying to show people I care, trying to build relationships with people who only want one when it's convenient.  It's exhausting.  I remember being a kid and wondering how older adults could sit and say they didn't care what others thought of them.  I didn't understand why.  While I am not there quite yet, I'm starting to understand.  If people don't value me as a person, a family member, or woman, why should I care what they think of me?  They are missing out on getting to know me, to having me in their corner, and having my support. 

Thank you for letting me rant a little to you today.  Stepping back wasn't easy, but if I've learned anything it's that I need to protect my heart, and my soul.  Pouring myself into others will always be a part of what I do, but I need to be smart about it.  I need to make sure I seal the cracks and not pour out faster than I allow Marie, my church family, and others to pour in.  I need to remember my own value, so I can remind others of theirs.  Life is hard, very hard, but remember we are not alone.  Jesus is with us, forever and always.

I am a follower of Christ, I am not perfect, but I love Jesus.

Until Next Time,

Liz Allen